so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she told me i tasted like america
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
