dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Are we still banned from the library?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
