hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
