Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I fill condoms, not promises.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
