I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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