Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
