I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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