The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
