Welp...herpes.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
