I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
