Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Randomize
