I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
