I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
