lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
