I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
