This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
