The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
