I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
