I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
