her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
