so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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