so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize