1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
