FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
