you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
