just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
