all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
