Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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