If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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