you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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