i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize