I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
