Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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