I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
