i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
