I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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