My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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