What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
