i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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