Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
