At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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