Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
