I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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