my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
