singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
