jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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