fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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