May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
