I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
