I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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