I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
