We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
