Nicole vs. Life
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
