In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
