allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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