Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The uberlube is also flammable
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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