i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
