My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
