I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
