it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
