Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
