please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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