I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
