Cold hands, warm shart.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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