Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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