omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
