Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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