i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
