i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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