3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
