Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You're like the curious george of whores
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
