How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
